i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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