Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
