So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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