Dude my mom stole all your condoms
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
