Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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