Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
