went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
