She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
