I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
