I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
