Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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