woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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