They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
