the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
