I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
