i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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