im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
