We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
