Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
