he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
