Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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