just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
