my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
