We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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