You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
