toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
