This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
