i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
