i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize