Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
