i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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