Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
