I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
