Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
