i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
