I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Randomize
