Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
