I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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