I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
