dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
this boner is exhausting
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
