Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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