the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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