with your own penis?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
