Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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