Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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