i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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