Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
