she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
