Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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