Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
