Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
