apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
