Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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