this beer tastes like vomit already
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
