I skipped work to stalk him.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
