The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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