He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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