The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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