do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
